A Year of Redemption

My last blog was full of promise and hope and renewed dedication. "The blog is back," I proudly declared. Then, only a few weeks later my entire world came crashing down. Life as I knew it was turned upside down and shook up like a tiny snow globe.

My Grandma, my Mom's mom, my last living grandparent died. It was a slow and miserable death. We all spent time with her. We read to her, played music, talked to her and just held her hand. She just kept crying and asking "Why won't God take me? I just want to go Home." It was hard to watch. She was worrisome and never at peace when she was alive and her death was no different. She finally passed away on February 18, 2011.

Her death was the beginning of the end for me. I had been bottling my feelings and not dealing with my issues for so long that when she finally died, it was like my carefully constructed house of cards came crashing down. I was on my way to a nervous breakdown.

I have always been an outgoing person. I love to go new places, meet new people and experience new adventures. I love being around people and being on the go. In early March that all stopped. I had a series of panic episodes in public places that lead to missing an entire week of work. I couldn't leave the couch. Everything would cause my anxiety to rise. I couldn't go to the store, I couldn't get in a car and sometimes I couldn't even get out of bed. I just didn't care anymore.

6 months later, I have been seeing a psychiatrist, a psychologist and a health coach. I have been on daily doses of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications. I have been learning that I have a lot of things to work through. I still have anxiety issues and I still battle with depression and yes, even cutting. But God is good and I have friends and family that support and love me. Slowly, I feel like I am on the road to recovery.

A time for everything

Things are always changing. Nothing ever stays the same.....people don't stay the same. Do you ever wish that you could freeze a moment in time and hold it that way forever? I do.

I was all gung-ho about writing this blog. I had every intention of blogging religiously. I have lots of things to say. I always have lots of things to say. I needed the therapy of talking to someone...to no one. And then, August 9th, someone died. I started writing a memorandum blog for this person. But I kept writing and deleting, writing and deleting. I couldn't get the words right, I couldn't get the feelings right. Nothing seemed right at all.

I have dealt with a lot of death in the past few years. Family members, friends, people from church. It never gets easier. It always hurts. It seems like with every death, I cry a little less. I just feel numb. I feel like a piece of me has died with that person.

But I am the one who is still living. I am the one who still has chances and options, a present and a future. I can still love, laugh, grow, cry and dream. I can still make mistakes and create adventures. I can decide to see the glass half full and the grass a little greener.

One of my favorite quotes lately is from Erwin McManus: "I am convinced in all of us there is a voice crying out, a confession waiting to be declared without shame, 'I want to live!'" My time of mourning is over. This is a new year, a fresh start. I can make this year better than the last. 2011 is waiting for me. I am going to live it.

The blog is back!

Who wrote the Book of Love? And where is my copy?!

I have often thought about that song as I've gotten older. My parents played oldies music when I was growing up and I used to love to sing along. "Chapter One says you love her, you love her with all your heart. Chapter Two you tell her you never never never never ever wanna part. Chapter Three remember the meaning of romance. Chapter Four you break up, but you give it just one more chance." Simple and straight to the point.

Love and relationships were so much easier when we were younger. If we liked someone and they liked us back, usually the relationship started with one person asking "Hey, do you wanna go out with me?" And that was that. You were dating. When it was time to break up, it was as straightforward, "Um, we need to break up." End of story.

My first lesson in my sophomore year: Love and relationships get more complicated as we get older, not easier. Despite how much we learn through successful and failed relationships. Now its never clear if I am officially (or sometimes unofficially) dating someone. Most of the time its unspoken and it is often times assumed.

The truth is...I am a romantic at heart. I am suckered every time for sappy romantic movies, books, and even songs. I believe in true love, soul mates and happily ever after. Once of my favorite movies is Cinderella. Not because she triumphs over her evil family, but because she too believes in true love and her prince does pursue her and falls in love with her. Then there is Romeo and Juliet. Ok, so the ending isn't the best, but I always get lost in the intensity and passion of their feelings. (Oh come on, I know every hopeless romantic can't resist singing along with Taylor Swift's Love Story!)

Why can't someone love me with that kind of fervor and reckless abandon?! I have had a lot of successful failures in relationships. I have opened myself up, given my heart fully and have had it broken, trampled on and cast aside. Despite it all, I still hope that one day it will be my turn. One day my Prince will come.

My new (birthday) year's resolution

July 20, 2010 12:13 am. I am officially 30 years old. It feels different than I thought it would. It feels less...old. I have never had an issue with a birthday: I look forward to them with eager anticipation and excitement. This year was no different, until about a month before the big day. At that point it became an unwelcome reality that I wasn't so easily dealing with.

Someone wise once mentioned to me that our twenties are similar to our freshman year in high school. We're the low man on the totem pole - not sure of ourselves or whow this new chapter of our life is supposed to be. We make lots of mistakes, try to act older than we are, live with reckless abandon and test all limits and boundaries. Our thirties are our sophomore year of adulthood. We have learned from said mistakes made in our twenties, and we enter this decade of our lives thinking that we have it all together now. I'm sure we will be very quickly proven wrong on this notion.

This new chapter of my life is bringing with it many changes. I am quitting smoking (again), trying to lose a few unwanted pounds, eat healthier, exercise more and try a variety of new things. This blog will be a testament to this new era. Looking back at my twenties, I don't feel I have much to show it. I don't feel I accomplished much. I feel like I wasted them. Whether it be full of sucesses or failures, joyous times or heartaches, pretty, ugly or brutally honest, I will write it all down. I will live more, laugh more, and love more. In the process of this journey, maybe I will find myself; I will discover who I am.

Help, I'm 30! This is a journey through my sophomore decade of adulthood.